I spend a lot of mental energy trying to prove that I’m not a burden. Or, at least, trying not to be a burden.
I realized this recently as I wrestled with my fears, thoughts, and dreams around what I really want.
If my husband is the main breadwinner while I potter around, working on various projects and figuring out other future plans — does that make me a leech? (Even though, to be clear, my husband always supports me and has never hinted that I am a leech. Those are my words...)
If I pursue a dream that may not replace a full-time salary (for a while, or ever, who knows) — is that overly selfish?
If I don’t want a job that sucks so much energy that I have too little time & brain space for my actual deeper interests — is that impractical, and by virtue of being impractical, is that selfish?
I do have to be somewhat practical, after all. It’s important to be wise about time and money. I’m not dismissing that.
But goodness, the thought persists that I can’t be a burden!! I must make money, be useful, be endlessly busy, get results…
When did I start worrying so much about being a burden?
Some of it, I think, comes with being an expat. You lose a level of independence and revert to a feeling of being a child or beginner, at least at first, because other people have to do so much for you. In learning the ropes and facing language barriers, you start to get anxious that you’re being a burden.
Part of it, I think, comes with growing up as a Pastor’s Kid. Even if you had good parents (as I had), who didn’t intend certain messaging, somewhere along the way you pick up the idea that church work & church members are much more important than you. Because your parents are doing such valuable work — the Lord’s work! — it’s important not to get in the way. It’s important not to become a burden by having dreams or needs that hinder the work.
Maybe part of it is simply living in a world that tends to equate value with productivity and sings the praises of the “boss babe.”
I’ve been challenged a lot recently to consider my desires, my fear, my motivations, and where I get my sense of security. To figure out my balance and my boundaries.
I’ve been challenged to let go of my erroneous self-assessments, accepting that my limitations, differences, personality and desires do not make me too troublesome.
If God has placed something on my heart, and also given me talents in a particular area, perhaps I should worry less about being a burden. Perhaps, if I work out my dreams, I’ll find support along the way.
And perhaps being helped & provided for, by God or by others, does not make me a burden — it makes me beloved.
You, too.
"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want." (Psalm 23:1)
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Want to explore more about God's provision and being God's beloved? Check out these verses for a start:
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