"Life abroad gave me continual opportunities to learn that limitations do not lessen my worth to God or to others."
What does it take to survive and thrive abroad? In this "Words to Wanderers" series, expats and TCKs share their experience and advice. Today, Heather shares her story.
Please introduce yourself! Who are you, what do you do, and what’s one thing you’re loving in your life right now?
Hello there! My name is Heather Haynes. I am an American who was raised in eastern Tennessee. At university, I completed an Associates in Nursing and Bachelors in Religious Studies. Although I did work a few years stateside as a School Nurse, most of my adult career has been spent in ministry or mission related roles around the world. Currently, I work as a substitute teacher at San Gabriel Academy and recently became the Project Coordinator for a ministry serving the Japanese community in my area.
Something I am loving in my life right now is being a part of one of the warmest, most welcoming church communities I have ever known! It has been particularly meaningful for my Third Culture heart that often struggles to experience a true sense of belonging. What I love most about being a part of my church family is the joy of welcoming others into a place of warmth and spiritual growth. So, if you ever find yourself in the Pasadena area on a weekend, this is your official invitation to come by the Central Japanese-American Community Church! We’d love to have you join us Sabbath morning and will feed you lots of delicious food afterwards!
Tell us about your experience living internationally. Where were you born? Where have you lived? And what brought you to where you are now?
I was born in the USA and although we traveled around America quite a bit, by the age of 10 I hadn’t yet traveled outside the United States. Not even to Canada or Mexico. As a confirmed home-body, I wasn’t particularly interested in traveling, since it would entail leaving my beloved home and pets.
Therefore, not surprisingly, when my family had the opportunity to move to South Korea, I cried. What I didn’t know then, was all the profound and incredible ways my life would change through this experience.
I left the USA as a 10 year old and arrived back as a 12 year old with an entirely different perspective on the world. In just over a year, I went from a kid who had never left my home country to a pre-teen who had visited 12 countries on 4 continents. Life as I had known it was gone. In its place was a big, amazing world of people and cultures to learn about and explore.
This early experience gave me a life-long, incurable case of “curiosity” and set me on a path that eventually led me to live in Africa, Europe and Asia as an adult. In my early twenties, I worked at a hospital in Tchad, later lived in Ireland and Norway for a number of years and more recently returned to South Korea, which felt like a pilgrimage back to where it all began. Each place I lived stretched my concept of home, opened new windows in my mind and added complexity to my own personal swirl of culture and worldviews. Once that swirling process starts, it doesn’t matter whether you live abroad or move back to your passport country. You are forever a combination of all the places you have called home.
You serve and worship cross-culturally now, even though you’re in your passport country. Did you face any “culture shock” or challenges with that? What drew you to continue cross-cultural work in your home country?
Interestingly enough, I did not experience culture shock when I first began attending my church, even though it was a completely new cultural context. In fact, the multicultural nature of the congregation made me feel immediately comfortable.
However, I did face significant culture shock when I first moved back to the United States. I had spent enough years living overseas that the comforting sense of “home” was no longer attached to America. Returning to a place that should feel like home, but doesn't, is a specific kind of shock and grief.
Usually, people experience culture shock when they are bombarded by unfamiliar things which feel threatening, offensive or overwhelming. However, a side effect of living abroad long-term is that the unfamiliar actually becomes comforting. Hence why an expat may feel more at home navigating a new airport than returning to their hometown. When I tried to reintegrate myself back into the place I was technically “from”, I realized I couldn’t go back to how things had been, nor did I want to. I had history and memories in America, but not as the person I was now. Reconnecting has taken time. I had to start over with a mentality of discovery, as if I had moved to a new country.
Having the opportunity to continue cross-cultural ministry has felt like a gift! My draw to it started first as a conviction, due to the needs that exist. When researching people groups or countries where Christianity struggles, a deep longing to see God’s loves shine brighter in these places would sweep over me. That hasn’t changed, but now there is an added dimension. At some point, it went beyond a conviction and became the place I feel most at home. It gives my heart both bubbly joy and profound contentment!
At times, I’ve had the uncomfortable impression that God was asking me to step back and take a breath. In doing so, He highlighted something I needed to recognize. It is far too easy for me to over-identify with this work I love, to the point that I may not be open to a new direction God has in mind. Perhaps there will be a time when I no longer serve overtly in a cross-cultural setting. If so, it’s important to remember my purpose and joy are not dependent on it. But for now, I am relishing it!
What was something you enjoyed about living abroad? What was something challenging, and how did you cope with that?
Something I enjoyed about living abroad was the chance it gave me to be a student of a new culture. Whenever I moved to a new country, I would throw myself into learning about its history, art, music, politics, humor, and language. I’d seek out anything that would give me a window into the heart & DNA of that location. It felt like a grand adventure! It wasn’t always big things. Sometimes it would be a little detail picked up in conversation that helped me connect a few more cultural dots. Eventually, I would see both the great as well as the not so great parts of the culture. But just as with people, it is a privilege to know both the good and the not so good parts that make up the whole picture. It was a good exercise in suspending judgment, even if I didn’t understand. Over time, my understanding would grow and with it, genuine affection and connection to my adopted home.
A major challenge I experienced was the inevitable sense of “otherness” that crept up at regular intervals. No matter how friendly or welcoming my host culture was, there was no getting around the fact that I was different. There was always something highlighting the fact that I was a foreigner. Differences are good, but on a core level, our desire for belonging is baked into us. While living in Ireland, I would feel relief whenever I was able to have a short conversation without my American accent being detected. My American twang was a small thing I could laugh at, but the deeper ache to blend in and belong was always there, whether in big or small ways.
The way I coped was to process the feelings and acknowledge their validity. Sometimes I felt ashamed or wonder if these desires to assimilate meant I was rejecting my native culture. However, the truth is, there are valid reasons why this ache exists. It is a natural desire worth caring for. Ultimately, the best medicine was to intentionally invest in friendships and community in my adopted home country. This would remind me that I was loved and could experience a type of belonging even as someone who was “other”.
How has living abroad/moving around impacted your spiritual journey?
Spiritual convictions were a major reason I chose to live abroad, so it certainly was a walk of faith that grew and matured my spiritual journey.
Life as an expat entailed a great deal of time spent on my own. This made space for experiencing God’s presence in a closer, more companionate way than ever before. He was the one I was on this adventure with. I learned to love sharing the details and emotions of daily life with Him and clearly seeing the ways He was on the move in the world around me.
However, just as the highs were very high, the lows were very low. At times, I teetered perilously close to total spiritual collapse. Living abroad challenged my assumptions in every way, including my assumptions about God and faith.
These growing pains felt ominous, bewildering and scary. Even the framework that had guided my motivations for living abroad were questioned and reshaped. As healthy as this was, it was also quite brutal and knocked the air out of my spiritual lungs on multiple occasions. Sometimes it crashed over me like a tsunami. Other times it slowly wore me down until I crumbled.
Eventually my physical health suffered under the emotional/spiritual strain and necessitated several extended breaks. Healing is a slow process, but little by little the light broke through the clouds again. Now, on the other side of those “dark nights of the soul”, I treasure the trust and compassion they cultivated. However, these types of spiritual struggles should never be minimized or tritely summed up as character development. They are serious, agonizing and deserve unconditional compassion and gentleness.
If you are going through something similar, know that God understands what is at stake even if others don’t. He is holding you with greater tenderness than you can muster for yourself. Never be ashamed to take a step back and find a safe place to heal. Hope, love and calmness is on the other side.
What is something you’ve learned about yourself through your travels/life abroad?
I have learned how fragile and limited I am. Not in a negative or critical way, but in a gentle, grounded way. In college, I believed the more skills and less needs I had, the more useful I would be. Skills are certainly useful. Having a good attitude and being flexible are gold! However, these good ideals slid into subconsciously equating my ability to be strong as my worthiness. So, when cross-cultural living showed me in vivid detail all the ways I am weak and limited, it felt like a devastating personal failure.
However, though painful, this was exactly what I needed. Life abroad gave me continual opportunities to learn that limitations do not lessen my worth to God or others. Ironically, acknowledging this fragility within the safety of love, has actually resulted in making me less vulnerable to shattering. As Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians, God’s strength finds full expression in our weakness and fragility.
How would you encourage other expats and global nomads? Or, what advice would you give them?
This life you are living is beautiful, but also complicated. You are regularly stretched to the point of discomfort, but also have experiences of growth many only dream of.
Make room for both the awe-inspiring and agonizing moments that make up your daily life. Allow space for the conflicting emotions, confused thoughts and internal dissonance that pop up at unexpected moments. It’s normal to long for what is far away or to feel frustrated with what you don’t understand. It’s also normal to feel distant from where you once belonged or to relate more closely to your adopted home in certain ways.
The experience of living abroad is unpredictable. It ebbs, flows and goes through many seasons. You can find companionship and understanding from other expats, but never an exact mirror of your experience. You are unique. Your experience is equally unique and makes more sense than you realize. If shame or a sense of isolation starts to feel like a suffocating blanket, meet it with gentleness, knowing it will eventually pass. And when it does, you will again see all the color, texture and depth these circumstances are adding to who you are. In a way that nothing else could, this season is helping you become the person you were created to be. And that is a stunningly beautiful thing.
Where can we find out more about you?
If something resonated or spoke to a struggle you’re experiencing, feel free to look me up on Instagram @hyeheatherr. I’m always happy to hear the stories of others or simply provide a listening ear.
Comments