I hated that I was crying, but God didn't.
As a presenter on Adventist Radio London, I like to pepper The Breakfast Show with anecdotes from my own life. This is something I shared this morning.
What has God been saying to you lately? This is something He said to me this week: "I want your unreasonable tears."
I hate crying in public. I don't know exactly when my allergy to tears began, but I find it hard to cry even in front of people I trust. Perhaps it has something to do with my struggles with vulnerability and fear of rejection. Anyway, I often feel ashamed of my tears, like I did the other day, when I lay on my bed and cried over a lot of little things.
I work an early morning shift at the radio station, and when I get home my friends are still at work; I tend to go to bed when they're ready to socialise. And for some reason, that day, I just felt extra lonely. My boyfriend was having lunch with some pastor friends who were passing through, and I started sniffling at the thought because I just wanted to have a friend available to go to lunch with. Then I started thinking about close friends I hadn't heard from in a while because they were so busy. And suddenly, a rush of tiny irritations overwhelmed me. Besides, I was exhausted, even though it was only Tuesday. I curled up, put my fuzzy dressing gown over my head, and wept. Yet even as my heart wept, my brain was protesting, "You know there are logical reasons for everything that has hurt you. You know it's not about you." I sniffed to God, “I shouldn’t be hurt! I shouldn’t be crying! These tears are so unreasonable!” And I cried silently because I didn't want to inconvenience anyone with such silly tears.
That’s when I felt God say, “I want your unreasonable tears.”
God invites us to pour out our hearts to him. In fact, in the Psalms, David says about God, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” (Psalm 56:8)
God can handle our frustrations, anger, and tears—whether we have good reason for crying or whether we think we’re being silly. He wants the real, unedited version of us.
One of my favourite quotes from the author Ellen White puts it this way: “Keep your wants, your joys, your sorrows, your cares, and your fears before God. You cannot burden Him; you cannot weary Him… Take to Him everything that perplexes the mind. Nothing is too great for Him to bear, for He holds up worlds. Nothing that in any way concerns our peace is too small for Him to notice…The relationship between God and each soul is as distinct and full as though there were not another soul upon the earth to share His watch-care, not another soul for whom He gave His beloved Son.” (Steps to Christ p. 100)
And that is what God is saying to me.