Doing church in a foreign language and culture can be painful, but there are ways to make the transition easier.
"I hate Saturdays," I wept to my husband as I hid in his office in the church.
I didn't really hate Saturdays. I just felt that way sometimes when I was overwhelmed by the challenges of having to do church in a foreign culture and language.
That particular Sabbath, already feeling worn out and sensitive from an exhausting week, I grew increasingly frustrated at the isolation I felt. I didn't understand all the points in the sermon. At lunch, people had an animated conversation around me, not with me. I could not understand or join in. This was repeated in the afternoon. I sat there mute, smiling, but with my smile fading more every minute. "I can't do this today," I thought to myself. "I can't be a ghost in the room." I slipped away and started to cry.
I knew that people were not being intentionally mean to me. I had been fortunate that the church members were all kind and pleasant to the newest "samonim" (pastor's wife). They used the little English they had to greet me or have some surface-level conversation. Or, they faithfully said "Hello" in Korean with a polite nod, every week. They asked me to pray during church service. I was grateful for all that. But there were still barriers between us. We couldn't communicate with each other meaningfully, even if we wanted to.
Politeness isn't the same as being able to have "real" conversations (which matter a lot to a personality like mine). It isn't the same as being able to make friendships in which you can freely share your heart. Showing up to church isn't the same as being spiritually nourished by a Christian community.
Consequently, I sometimes feel lonely and awkward. I miss my English-speaking friends from my previous international church. I miss being able to show my full self, when I've been used to doing that easily in my native tongue.
To give due credit to my husband, he helps a lot with translation. But he cannot translate every word of every interaction, all day long. And although he helps me, it's still not quite the same as me being able to just join in a conversation.
You may be thinking, "Isn't this what she signed up for?" Yes.
I knew what I signed up for. I knew there would be a tough transition period. I had done it before, when I lived in Laos as a teenager; I remembered the depression I had often felt on Sabbaths there...and I also remembered making it through.
But no matter what knowledge you have, reality can still feel painful at times.
Here's what I'm finding helps me:
Feel your feelings.
Occasionally, I need to go and cry in the bathroom. That doesn't make me a less spiritual or missional person. It makes me human. And God has enormous compassion for me...and you.
Someone once said that if you try to sweep negative emotions under the rug, you'll only trip over them later. It's better to bring your feelings into the light and be totally honest before God; only then can you find healing. As well as being honest with God, find a trusted person to share your heart with. My husband asks me to tell him whenever I'm feeling particularly sensitive or overwhelmed, so that he can treat me with extra TLC that day. But if I was never honest with him and tried to put on a brave face, I wouldn't get the care I actually need.
Find spiritual encouragement and friendship elsewhere.
You may not be able to just go find a new church, but your current church doesn't have to be your only source of spiritual growth or friendship. Join a book club, small group, or Bible study. (And if you can't find one, why not create it?) Try an online church. Listen to sermons or podcasts, and keep personal time with God. Schedule time with other friends to intentionally pray together and encourage each other. For example, I joined a WhatsApp connection group through Velvet Ashes, which gave me consistent food for thought and prayer support from other women like me.
Do what you can.
Listen for a few words that you know scattered in the sermon or the conversations. Learn the books of the Bible in that language, and look up the texts. Pick a new word or two, find out what it means, and write it down. (And give yourself grace on the days when you can't bring yourself to do that. There are days when I feel too mentally and emotionally drained to do that much, and I'm learning that it's better just to accept it rather than berate myself.)
Find a way to support your church community if you can. I operate the PowerPoint slides and teach the children some English kids songs. Nothing fancy, I know. But they are simple things that make me feel happy for being able to contribute -- without getting overwhelmed by responsibilities.
Value "weak-tie" friendships.
It is not only deep, meaningful friendship that brings happiness. Research has found that casual connections also add to our sense of belonging, meaning, and happiness. The people at your church may never make it to your inner circle, but they could be "weak-tie" friendships that contribute to your sense of wellbeing. Accept that they may just be casual acquaintances, and instead of subconsciously berating them for not being more, choose to value what they do add to your life.
Challenge your thinking about church, Sabbath, and worship.
Being thrown out of your comfort zone can challenge your previously-held beliefs about the right ways to do or be something. I've found this to be true when it comes to church and practicing faith. Feeling isolated and spiritually malnourished at church has prompted me to consider my beliefs about the purpose of church and Sabbath, the meaning of worship, and the way we organize our services. It makes me wonder about what Sabbath and church done differently could look like. That is a gift, too. Perhaps a strange, unsought one, but a gift to gratefully receive nonetheless.
There's no totally easy way through the transition into church in a different culture and language. But it is possible to find beautiful moments and help in the journey.
Can you relate to my experience? Would you add anything to my list?
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