"There is a difference between seeing hard things through to completion, and moving on from a space you have outgrown."
What does it take to survive and thrive abroad? In this "Words to Wanderers" series, expats and TCKs share their experience and advice. Today, Stephen shares his story.
Pease introduce yourself! Who are you, what do you do, and what’s one thing you’re loving in your life right now?
Hi, I’m Stephen! I’m loving my new part-time job as a barista, which has allowed me to meet so many of the locals in my new town.
When I’m not there you can find me working with my consulting clients, running a film production, hiking, or exploring on my motorcycle.
Tell us about your experience living internationally. Where were you born? Where have you lived? And what brought you to where you are now?
I was born in England, and have moved 11 times all over the UK. Internationally I have lived in the USA for around 7 years in total, and just under a year in Northern Greece. While in those two countries I managed to tally up an impressive move figure of 17! Bringing my grand total of moves to 28 in my 31 years of life.
I’m currently living in Lydney, Gloucestershire. The desire to escape London rental costs led me here in part with my parents' purchase of a new house. I’m here to help them out while also finishing up a continuing education course, before casting my net wide again for a career job.
What’s something you enjoyed about your expat life?
One of the elements I have most enjoyed about expat life is the people I have met. Being exposed to so many wonderful cultures and environments through the relationships I’ve made has been life altering.
Also, from riding motorcycles down Highway 101 in California to hiking mountains in Yellowstone, and from filming timelapses on the edge of the Grand Canyon to attending summits at the United Nations in NYC, my USA experience has been rich and enchanting.
I’ve further had the opportunity to travel extensively within Europe and internationally - thanks in part to my partner being a former flight attendant!
The people I have met really have led me to some of the greatest personal and professional adventures of my life. I have friends in so many countries around the world now, and it makes my heart happy to know I will never be a stranger in so many places again.
What’s a hard thing about living abroad and then returning “home”? How are you working through that challenge?
A hard thing about living abroad for me has always been the language barrier. While I no longer have to work through that challenge, I can recall my time of living in Northern Greece where very few locals spoke any English, and I spoke absolutely no Greek! Even fewer of those locals who knew some English felt confident attempting to speak with me, which made it impossible to break into the community.
We as humans greatly rely on verbal communication when forming meaningful relationships with people, and it was ultimately my failure to break into the small-town culture of Northern Greece that hastened my return to London, England.
Upon that specific return to England, I had been out of my home country for just under 3 years, with almost 2 of those years spent in the USA. In that time I had adapted to the culture of the USA, which had been made easier thanks to mostly sharing the same English language.
Going from the USA to rural Northern Greece and losing the ability to verbally communicate, along with no social support network nor sense of community for those 10 months, was incredibly tough.
The hardest part about returning home to England was that while it felt amazing to be surrounded by a language I understood, I had to start building some sense of community from scratch all over again.
Often, we don’t acknowledge the power that travel and prolonged differing cultural exposure really has on our ability to relate with previous friend groups and acquaintanceships in our home countries.
One way I have adapted to this reality is by learning to accept the inevitability of internalized change and expansion of my worldview. I now choose to invest in relationships that allow a shared appreciation and openness to the lived experiences of each other.
We often hold onto old relationships due to nostalgia, location, or pure hope - when the kindest thing we can do for each other is release our grasp on relationships we have outgrown, and allow our expectations of those relationships to change accordingly.
This is especially true of former friends who have repeatedly shown they have no interest in relearning who we have become as a result of our new experiences, or insist on boxing us into the nostalgia of who we used to be. Those who demonstrate this behavior towards us are clearly communicating that their expectations of us are restricted and fixed, and unless we really want to put on an act (which is never sustainable), we can no longer authentically meet their expectations of us. And that’s okay.
How has living abroad/moving around impacted your spiritual journey?
I think the spiritual impact of living abroad has come through in the form of exposure to people and experiences that have played a pivotal role in my spiritual maturation. If not for being exposed to new places, I would have never heard the sermons in random churches, or met the people who became significant spiritual influences to me.
The very nature of living abroad and moving around requires an exercising of faith that I would argue is far greater than you would usually experience in a settled environment.
Moving so frequently requires so much emotional adaptation and energy. Having your environmental and communal security consistently uprooted can leave you emotionally and mentally reeling. Repeatedly experiencing how God would restore my community and give me peace in the upheaval, and rest when I needed, ultimately allowed me to grow in my trust of God's promises and posture toward me.
What is something you’ve learned about yourself through your travels/life abroad?
I have learned how valuable community truly is to me. More than the house I live in, the vehicle I drive, or the money in my account - community is my ultimate measure of contentment. Real community can hold you in some of your most vulnerable states with a supporting and accepting love we often don’t even get to experience from our families. Chosen family really is a blessing.
In addition, exposure to so many different cultures, landscapes, climates, and dwellings has also allowed me to really establish what role the physical environment plays in giving me the greatest sense of home. For instance, I can now show you on a map which parts of the world I would happily call home and explain why that place gives me the feeling of home.
How would you encourage other expats and global nomads? Or, what advice would you give them?
Do not be afraid to ROOT! Constantly moving can cause us to become fatigued with relational investment. The closer you bond to people or places, the harder it is to leave. Yet, in my experience, it is far more fulfilling to move on from an experience having had the privilege to call people friends and experience the place you’re in through their eyes.
I know it can be hard to root down for many different reasons. I would simply encourage you to start where you are most comfortable. For example, to me that looks like going to my favorite new coffee shop 3-5 times a week at similar time; soon they will call you by name. ASK the barista what is going on in town that weekend, or where the best place to engage your hobbies might be.
Coffee shops are one of the few unifying global locations that welcome all people, from local tradesmen to the town's mayor, from young work-from-home entrepreneurs to your laid-back retirees. They WILL know what is going on in their town, and in my experience are more than happy to plug you in.
My other suggestion is to get a part time job in the local community, in any community-facing role. Ideally, look for jobs such as barista, server, retail, etc -- something where the bar to entry is really low, and the interaction with coworkers and community is high.
Alternatively, volunteer at a local charity shop, animal shelter, outdoor center, school, or any other place you can think of which would allow you to build relationships within the community. The same applies for getting involved in sports or hobby clubs. Anything that plugs you in with the community will ALWAYS be worth the time and energy investment.
Even if you only have one day a week to give, or the thought of meeting new people makes you uncomfortable, do it. When you’re new in town it really helps to plug you into the community at large.
Anything else you’d like to add?
Learn your social and emotional limitations, draw your boundaries, and clearly communicate them. This will be essential for your mental and emotional health if you are still bouncing around, or even if you have stopped. Non-avoidant rest is vital for surviving a high stress lifestyle.
It can be easy to lose your sense of self when you experience life as a TCK (Third Culture Kid) or expat. Don’t be afraid to lean into the things that bring you joy. Always make time for joy. Allow your inner child room to express itself through play -- no matter how old you are!
Don’t be afraid to acknowledge you no longer enjoy a hobby or field of study/work. We undergo such radical exposure to new experiences as expats/TCKs, that holding on to the notion that we are somehow socially bound to something just because we have invested into it is absolute nonsense.
Trying to operate from a limited headspace can be very damaging, often preventing us from evolving as needed, and ultimately robbing us of joy. There is a difference between seeing hard things through to completion, and moving on from a space you have outgrown. Be sure you are honest with yourself in recognising what your motivations, or lack thereof, are pushing you toward.
The daily practice of self-awareness and grounding is so important. High stress situations often steal all of our capacity, leaving us feeling out of control and dragged through the tasks of each day. The daily discipline of introspection, rest, and re-centering will truly help you take whatever you encounter in your stride and feel greater peace with things beyond your control.
Take the time to assess your expectations of self. Examine what may be the perceived vs communicated expectations you have internalized -- self-imposed, cultural, or communal. Expectations can often become quite muddied with varied cultural and social dynamics constantly changing, leaving us scrambling to adapt.
Taking time to understand if you are acting on or reacting to your environmental stimulus will help you identify what state you may be operating from. I found it helpful to take a full day every 6 months or so to self-evaluate, and really dig deep into understanding my motivations. This is especially helpful for me when becoming more settled, as I feel the lack of external stimulation more acutely.
Often as TCKs/expats, we can find ourselves more unsettled in a settled environment than a high stress one, as high stress has become our comfort zone! This means our motivations and actions can often stem from the desire to recreate externalized stress, which can manifest in unhealthy and destructive ways. This is why the practice of self-awareness is essential to continued thriving and clear understanding of our motivations and subsequent behaviors.
Where can we find out more about you?
You can connect with me via Instagram @adventure.hunter -- always happy to meet new people.
Thank you, Stephen!
What stood out to your from his story or advice? Share your thoughts in the comments below -- share this post with someone who might need it -- and subscribe to stay updated with the blog!
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