How do you know what to ask God for in a spouse? How do you figure out what you’re looking for in someone else?
I met my husband on a blind date.
I thought he was nice, but I wasn’t interested. He wasn’t my type; I didn’t feel that “spark.”
However, when he expressed his interest in seeing me again, I decided to give him a chance…and as we got to know each other, I began to see that he was meeting the criteria I had asked God for. (I’ll share a separate post later about our love story.)
I hadn’t always prayed about specifics for a future husband. In fact, I had wondered if God really cared about details like that…after all, the world was full of much bigger problems; it was difficult to meet guys; and marriage wasn’t exactly a biblical promise, anyway.
It felt like such a stretch of faith…sometimes a painful stretch…to bring those desires to God when I didn’t know whether or not they would be fulfilled.
But after hearing several stories about people who prayed specifically about a future spouse, and experiencing more than one heartbreak, I decided that I would sort out a list of what I wanted and needed in a man, and bring those requests to God.
I asked God for…
Someone with a real relationship with God, who genuinely pursued Him.
Someone kind.
Someone with a growth mindset, who was willing to work through hard things rather than run from them.
Someone I could have a good conversation with and sit in comfortable silence with (introvert life!).
Someone who wanted to travel.
Someone who could understand or a least sympathize with the experience of being a TCK / global citizen.
Someone who would appreciate culture and the arts.
Someone who could understand and support my passion for story, learning, and experiencing different things in life…
…among other things! I presented God with a good couple of pages in my journal, sketching out hopes that had long been thought out and prayed over even before I wrote them all down in one place.
And as I dated my husband, I could see how God was answering my requests.
Perhaps you’re also considering praying more specifically about a potential future spouse.
So, how do you know what to ask God for? How do you figure out what you’re looking for in someone else? Here’s what I’ve learned:
Know yourself.
Sure, we change (and hopefully grow!), but it’s important to know your core values and the general sense of vision or direction for your life. It’s impossible to walk united with someone else if you’re going in very different directions.
Differentiate your essentials from your preferences.
What is non-negotiable to you? What would you like, but you can be open-minded or flexible about?
As part of the process of discovering my essentials and preferences, I looked back at my past crushes and relationships, looking for patterns in what attracted me, and lessons I learned from what went wrong. I listened to other couple’s stories, and read books about healthy dating and marriage.
After one particular heartbreak, I went through a “Heartbreak to First Date” course (from Kait Warman at Heart of Dating), and that greatly helped me in considering my essentials and also my personal top red flags.
I narrowed it down to four top red flags and five non-negotiable characteristics. I held onto these at the heart of my requests to God, even though I added lots of preferences to my list too.
In the end, don’t be afraid to ask God for specifics, but also hold your preferences loosely – be open to surprises.
If I had ruled out my husband because I didn’t feel chemistry or instant physical attraction on our first date, I would have been all the poorer for it now. I would never have discovered that he was the person I was looking for.
And yes, physical attraction grew with time…I don’t advocate being with someone you’re not attracted to. But why not give the physical attraction a chance to develop, while you figure out if your non-negotiables are present in this person?
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Praying for specific things about my future husband was an exercise in faith, hope, and surrender. It was also a valuable opportunity to consider my own life, character, and mission, and what would suit me best.
As you consider your own essentials and preferences, and bring them to God, may you know that He cares about the desires of your heart. Perhaps He has a surprise waiting for you too!
"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)
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