Transition always brings mixed feelings, but there is a way to find closure and leave well.
“Don’t cry. You can’t cry. This is only another goodbye, and you’ve said so many goodbyes before.” The self-berating command ran through my mind as I dug my fingernails into my palms and sensed hot tears pricking my eyes. I felt my friends’ arms around me as we squished together in the back on the truck, on the way to the airport -- leaving each other and the country we had called home for the past couple of years.
I had always prided myself on being stoic. Goodbyes were a part of life, and life goes on. But I couldn’t hide the pain I felt this time. I cried on the plane from Laos to Thailand. I recovered myself somewhat at Bangkok airport, but then I cried and cried and cried on the plane from Thailand to America. I think the flight attendants were a little worried for me.
Even now, thirteen years later, I remember the heartbreak I felt leaving the place and experience that had been hugely formative for me in my late teens. I was, indeed, used to goodbyes. Growing up as a pastor’s kid, we had moved around a lot. However, I wouldn’t say I was always good at goodbyes; I might rush on to the next thing, allowing excitement for a new beginning to temporarily mask the pain of an ending; or I might begin to “lean away” from relationships and situations, distancing myself so that parting would be less painful. Perhaps, if I was lucky, I could convince myself that there was no pain at all. Those strategies provided short-term relief, but were ultimately unhelpful for me…and for the people I might be leaving.
These days, I try to be more mindful about leaving well. Because no matter how many times you’ve moved or transitioned, goodbyes always come with a certain amount of pain, or at least mixed feelings.
A time of leaving is creeping up on me once more. In a few weeks, my kindergarten teaching contract will be finished. I dearly love my kids, and I was worried about how some of my more sensitive ones would take the news, so I decided to break it to them with enough time to process, to grieve, and to adjust.
We read a story about different kinds of goodbyes, with an emphasis on how goodbye leads to hello, and we talked through all the feelings involved with loss and transition – not just the sadness, not just the anticipation or hope, but all of it together. And I was relieved how philosophically the children took the news of my departure.
Perhaps you also have a goodbye in your near future. Perhaps you’re moving house, or country, or church, or job. Perhaps you’re changing life seasons, leaving behind singleness for marriage or parenting for an empty nest. There are all sorts of contexts for learning how to leave well.
Here is a RAFT* for saying a good goodbye, finding closure, and transitioning well:
R – Reconciliation. Do you have any regrets? Did you make any mistakes? Do you need to ask for or offer forgiveness? This challenging step is about restoring what might be broken, so that healing allows everyone to move on to the next season in a healthier way.
A – Affirmation. What and whom have you appreciated here? Express your gratitude to the people, and even the places, you care about. Perhaps write some thank you cards, or have a farewell party where you share funny and meaningful stories from your time together.
F – Farewell. As well as saying a real goodbye to people, it can be helpful to say goodbye to places or experiences. Perhaps you can breathe a farewell to your house or office as you go out the door for the last time. Perhaps you can walk around the neighborhood to your favorite places and consciously let them go.
T – Think destination. What do you need to do to arrive well in your next place? What is something you can look forward to? What will your next chapter look like? What are your hopes and dreams? Take some time to think and plan for the next step. This is when it’s particularly helpful to remember that goodbye always leads to hello.
What are you going to say hello to next?
Let me know in the comments! And if this post was helpful to you, please share it with a friend who might need it too.
*RAFT acronym developed by Dave Pollack and Ruth van Reken
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