Sometimes we hold back from opportunities, adventures, or God's calling because we're afraid of being lonely -- or even of missing out on love. I felt that fear when I came to Korea.
“Today was one of those days when I wish I had someone waiting for me at home," I wrote in my journal. "I just need a good cuddle and I haven’t had that in the longest time. It wasn’t the worst day in the world, but something happened that frayed my nerves.
"First, for some inexplicable reason, Joey did not want to put his book away after class. He threw a tantrum (normal for him), chucked his book on the floor, stomped on it, and ripped it. I did not blink, but inwardly I was rattled. What to do with this kid?!
"He was back to his normal self by the next class, but ended up accidentally using permanent marker on the board. It was just as my home room class was returning, so they were eager to help me clean it, which was commendable…but then Jack and Harry took an entire box of tissues behind my back, put all of the tissues in the hallway sink, and filled the sink with water to create their own version of wet wipes…making a wet mess in the hallway, around the board, and at the front of the classroom.
"As I was trying to get them to clean up properly, the vice principal arrived to teach her writing class. And she was mad with them, understandably. She gave them a real talking-to. She wasn’t angry with me, but I still felt like a failure because apparently I can’t control the class – I let that happen – and I don’t have enough eyes in the back of my head to deal with all the problems these 12 little people can concoct in a moment. I felt awful. Days like this exacerbate the loneliness of this part of the transition. I really wish I had someone to love on me when I got home. But on hard days, I also try to remember – I prayed about and for this, and I’m here. God opened this door. And I have so much that I wanted.”
What a day that was. I can laugh about it now, but at the time, I felt very inadequate and alone.
Loneliness is one of the hardest parts of moving to a new place, whether you're in your passport country or abroad.
And if you're single, the spectre of loneliness might be a little more frightening as you consider whether or not to take that chance or follow that call to somewhere new. You wonder how long it will be before you find your people. You might even wonder if being there will cause you to miss out on meeting "your person."
In fact, when I came to Korea, I thought I might have given up my chance on finding love.
I journaled, "I want to love and be loved. I want to do life with someone. It’s a desire I have to surrender to God, though, and it’s actually scary and painful to acknowledge the desire rather than to kill it, because I don’t know if it’s going to be a dream come true. Like everywhere else, girls here have a hard time meeting guys...
"I’m afraid of missing opportunities. Afraid of missing an Unknown Important Person if I commit to XYZ, or if I don’t get out and about beyond this neighborhood. It’s linked to the fear of missing out on love.
"I don’t know if I’m afraid of being alone, exactly. I know I can live a comfortable and useful life as a single person. But if I can find someone who is a good fit for me, love is a more desirable option. And I think I fear that somehow my choices will keep me from finding someone.
"But there’s no guarantee that being in the UK would have meant finding someone…just like being in Korea doesn’t guarantee that I won’t meet someone…So, I’m doing my best to embrace my life’s adventure. I believe this was the right place for me to be. God, help me to listen well and trust that I’m not going to miss what is best for my life if I honestly try to follow You.”
I had some teary nights, wrestling through lonely moments while simultaneously acknowledging all the answered prayers I was living out. It was a strange thing, to live in that tension.
Several months later, I was introduced to my now-husband. That's a story I'll tell later! But when I look back at my journals, I'm moved by how God answered my prayers so specifically (in fact, my husband fits the bill for everything I asked God for), and by how God gave me courage to follow my path even if it meant I might be walking alone.
Perhaps you're in the same position now that I was then. Perhaps you can sympathize with the fears, hopes, and tears. If we could sit down for tea together, I'd tell you this:
Trust God's heart for you. He will perfect that which concerns you (Psalm 138:8). He will not withhold good things from you (Psalm 84:11, Matthew 7:11). He will lead you in right paths, comforting and strengthening you during the hard parts of the journey (Psalm 23, Psalm 37:23-24, Isaiah 58:11). He will provide for you -- sometimes in ways and times you might not expect or look for, but in a way that always meets your deep needs (Matthew 6:31-33, Philippians 4:6, 19, James 1:17).
Check your own heart. What do you believe about marriage and singleness? Do you place your value in your relationship status? Do you think marriage will solve all your problems? (From the other side, I can now truly attest -- marriage does not solve all your problems haha. It's a beautiful gift, but it has its own unique challenges, and is not a cure-all.)
Sometimes our own misguided expectations or thoughts about relationships can make the journey harder than it needs to be, or hold us back from pursuing something good. It's helpful to work through some reflection questions with a trusted person, coach, therapist -- or even a collection of great books on the topic!
Take the risk. Embrace the opportunity. Follow the call. Have the adventure. You never know what will happen! It's true that God doesn't guarantee spouses; you might not meet the love of your life there. But then again, you might.
And whatever happens, you'll certainly meet all sorts of wonderful people, have exciting and stretching experiences, and grow in ways that you will never regret.
If you do get married some day, following God and going on this journey will bless your marriage through influencing the person you become and adding value to a life that you enjoy.
Don't miss out on all of that because of fear.
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