"Don't leave too soon, but also don't stay too long."
What does it take to survive and thrive abroad? In this "Words to Wanderers" series, expats and TCKs share their experience and advice.
Eva Burkholder is the co-author of a book I recently finished and loved, Grit to Stay Grace to Go. Today, she shares her story.
Please introduce yourself! Who are you, what do you do, and what’s one thing you’re loving in your life right now?
My name is Eva Burkholder. I’m a wife, boy-mom, mother-in-law, and teacher of God’s Word through my blog and my published books. I’m currently the member care lead for Christar’s US mobilization center. Now that my sons are married, I am loving having daughters (finally) and hanging out with them.
Tell us about your experience living internationally. Where were you born? Where have you lived? And what brought you to where you are now?
I was born and raised in Papua New Guinea (my parents were Bible translators). I returned to the USA for college and seminary where I met my husband. Then we served in Indonesia (specifically Lombok Island) for 12 years, mostly in the 1990s. We repatriated so that my husband could pursue his counseling degree while we both served on staff at our sending church. When our sons were out of high school and living on their own, we entered the member care world.
You are one of the authors of "Grit to Stay Grace to Go," a book helping cross-cultural workers to both stay well and leave well, as well as to decide when to stay and when to go. What inspired you to write this book?
The initial idea for this book came from my colleague and co-author, Sue Eenigenburg. She had the vision for a resource that would encourage global workers to stay well through the challenges of cross-cultural ministry. When she approached me about collaborating, I thought about all the stories I hear of teammates leaving. Other authors have addressed the goer, but few have concentrated on helping those who remain process this loss and grow through it. So I wrote about the specific challenge of staying well when others go. Then as our writing progressed, we realized that we needed to offer help for the very real and hard decision of whether to stay or go.
What would you say to someone who is trying to decide whether to stay in their host culture or leave?
This is a really big decision which requires thoughtful reflection and the counsel of trusted advisors. That’s why we provide fourteen questions in the book to prayerfully reflect on (i.e. What part do my relationships play in this decision? What changes need to occur for me to stay?) and discuss with a variety of mentors, pastors, spiritual directors, therapists, coaches, as well as your team. Try to find at least one person who won’t be directly affected by your decision. Choose people who will listen non-judgmentally, but who will also challenge you to think carefully and biblically, who are committed to both you and to global missions. Bottom line—don’t leave too soon, but also don’t stay too long.
What has been one of your most memorable expat experiences -- in the positive sense?
I loved our team. We often spent our Saturdays and holidays together on the beach or at a hotel resort swimming pool. We watched our children play, we chatted, and we laughed a lot. A. Whole. Lot! Doing life with these dear friends was also difficult at times, but through them, I experienced the best and truest example of the Body of Christ.
What was an unexpectedly hard thing in your life abroad? How did you work through that challenge?
Our team experienced a number of traumatic events in the span of five years—evacuation due to Muslim rioting, a teammate stabbed in a robbery attempt, another teammate passed away due to severe burns, a close Indonesian friend and mentee died suddenly. Out of necessity, we learned how to do peer debriefs, how to grieve, and where to find help. We gathered often to talk through each situation as a team. I journaled and prayed. I now see that these events prepared me to be a more compassionate and effective member care provider.
How has living abroad/moving around impacted your spiritual journey?
I gained a strong spiritual foundation first by witnessing the resilience and faith of my missionary parents. I learned that God answered prayer and provided for my needs. I learned that I can build a home anywhere as long as God is with me. Later as a worker myself (especially when experiencing the traumas), I learned complete dependency on God. His Word and prayer were an absolute must. Experiencing hardships forced me to reexamine my theology and learn that God loved me not because I was a “good, obedient servant,” but because he created me and I was his daughter.
What is something you’ve learned about yourself through your travels/life abroad?
I don’t know if I would like the version of myself without the influence of travel and life abroad. I think I would be more narrow-minded and judgmental. I’d be a homebody who never looked outside my little world. Thankfully, living abroad has taught me to be understanding and open to different ways of doing things, to appreciate cultures and customs, to see the world with grace and compassion. Being a TCK taught me how to be more resilient as I watched my parents adapt, live simply, and make do.
Is there any other encouragement or advice you'd like to give to someone who is working cross-culturally -- or who is thinking of moving abroad?
Life is hard but living cross-culturally is harder still. Don’t go if you’re trying to run away from something, or think it will be easier in a new place, or just because it seems exotic. Go only if you know God is leading you and persevere for as long as he wants you there. Then be willing to leave when he leads you on. Be flexible, be open to new things, live presently, welcome whomever God brings across your path, and say goodbye well to those who leave.
Where can we find out more about you and your book?
My website www.evaburkholder.com contains my regular blogs as well as introductions to Grit to Stay Grace to Go and other books I have written or contributed to. You can find me on Instagram @evaburkholder and Facebook @authorevaburkholder The book is available at https://missionbooks.org/products/grit-to-stay-grace-to-go or other major retail sites.
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