Dealing with Disappointment
It's hard to wait. Sometimes I find myself so fixated on things that aren't working out the way I want, that I miss what I can be grateful for in the moment.
When I was six years old, all I wanted for Christmas was Songbird Barbie. I saw her on the shelf of a department store and was immediately obsessed. I thought she was the most beautiful Barbie I had ever seen, and in my vivid imagination I made up stories featuring this singing princess, talking birds, and, of course, a few handsome princes for good measure. In my mind, Songbird Barbie lived. I made sure my parents knew how much I wanted her. When I went to bed on Christmas Eve, I dreamt about running to the tree the next morning and finally unwrapping my coveted doll. Reality, however, was sorely disappointing. I don't remember what I actually did receive that Christmas; I was so focused on what I hadn't been given that more than twenty years later, I still remember that I didn't get Songbird Barbie after all. Woe was me.
As an adult, sometimes I've caught myself repeating this negative kind of focus. Sometimes I find myself so fixated on things that aren't working out the way I wanted, that I miss what I can be grateful for in the moment. I sigh over what I don't have and don't fully appreciate what I do have. I look so long at some loss that I forget to see gain. I focus on what God isn't giving rather than what He is giving. John Eldredge tells a story of how he went on a wilderness hike to fish in a particular creek. As he hiked along the way, he fished in the beautiful Bear river.
"The Bear proved to be the treat of the day. By the time I reached the creek, I'd caught a half-dozen fish without much effort. And now that I'd reached my goal, it became obvious that the creek was unfishable." (Walking with God, p. 68)
John was as disappointed at not getting his creek as my six-year-old self had been about not getting her Barbie. Although the river had turned out to be everything he had hoped the creek would be -- "solitude, beauty, wild fish on a dry fly" -- he sulked the way back to his car because he hadn't got what he wanted. However, he draws a profound point from his experience.
"Then I remembered something that God has been teaching me this summer--it's not what he isn't giving but what he is giving. We can get so locked onto what we don't have, what we think we want or need, that we miss the gifts God is giving." (Ibid.)
It's about what God is giving. This is something I have been learning, too.
Sometimes there's a reason we don't receive what we want, a reason that God is not giving us something, as I have discovered more keenly with jobs and relationships. Sometimes we can look back and honestly say, "Actually, it's good that didn't work out the way I thought I wanted it." For example, recently I applied for a librarian/teaching job. I thought I really wanted it; the description sounded like it would suit me perfectly. I didn't get the job. I did cover the position until the new staff member arrived, however, and I was surprised to discover that I didn't like the role after all. It didn't fit me, and I felt a surge of relief when the cover period was over! It was one of those moments when I could look back and be glad something wasn't given to me.
At other times, we just have to wait for God to give us the something we've been asking for.
And sometimes God wants to give us something totally different.
Wherever we are in the process of asking, waiting, receiving, or not receiving, I'm learning that it's so important to focus on what God is giving. Every day there is something.
"He doesn't deny any good thing to those who live with integrity." (Psalm 84:11)
"You feed them from the abundance of your own house, letting them drink from your river of delights." (Psalm 36:8)
"So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him." (Matthew 7:11)
"Now to the God who can do so many awe-inspiring things, immeasurable things, things greater than we could ask or imagine..." (Ephesians 3:20)
"Pray, and keep praying. Be alert and thankful when you pray." (Colossians 4:2, emphasis mine)
The Bible is full of promises and verses about God's abundance and desire to give us good things. The trick, I guess, is trying to see things from His perspective, especially when it appears He isn't giving that good thing we want yet! I continue to learn to trust that He is working out the best for me, that He will give good things, and that He is giving good things.
Cultivating a habit of gratefulness, of paying attention to what He is giving, even in the small things, makes so much difference to your perspective and your emotions. (It may even make a difference to your brain!)
So, what is He giving you today?
"Father, forgive me. Forgive my demanding posture that life has to come to me on my terms. Oh Lord, how many gifts have I missed? The posture is ugly and narrow. I pray for a more gracious posture, to be open and grateful for what you are giving at any time." (Walking with God, p. 70)